This month, I had the great fortune to spend five days in Colorado at the 5th Annual Human Design Conference. There was much talk about living one’s purpose, working through the shadow or low expression of our selves, and reclaiming our stories. It was an uplifting experience. On the final day, one slide in the presentation hit me and suddenly I could clearly see a wound I had been carrying around for a very long time.
- Conformity.
- Wanting to fit in.
- Yet, wanting to be my own person.
- Can you be your authentic self and still desire conformity?
As I examined this wound, I saw that my conforming began early in life by conforming to the expectations of my parents on me as the oldest child of seven. I was expected to help out, to care for the younger siblings, and was doing chores beyond my years very early in life. I have images of me getting those old cloth diapers out of the dryer at 4 or 5 years old. I was babysitting my siblings at age 11 while my parents went out for the evening (in pre-cell phone days). I was left in charge for full days while my mom went to work in the summers at 13 and 14. I was expected to shoulder responsibility, and I conformed.
Until I didn’t.
Adolescence came on and by my second year of high school, I was inserting more independence and moving my focus away from my family. I loved school and though we got out at 2, I never made it home before 4, staying after in various activities. My world shifted and, not surprisingly as I look back, the relationship with my mother, who needed me to conform, suffered. It set up a lifelong push-pull connection with her.
As I discovered my SELF, I found an anthem – “If I had wings, no one would ask me should I fly, the bird sings and no one asks her why…” It was a song of being one’s SELF.
Still, I wanted to fit in more. I was, and remain, on the periphery of groups, engaged only up to a point and not fully a member of any one. Going to events with my husband, I always inquired what the dress code was. I wanted to blend in and not stand out.
My ongoing battle with conforming but wanting to be me.
Perhaps it was insecurity that fitting in, even on a surface level, would allow me access and acceptance.
And so, I lived this struggle which kept me feeling insecure.
The good thing about aging comes wisdom. I engaged in a spiritual quest a few years back, learning about various practices, all designed to let me go inward and explore, lean into my introspective nature and listen to my inner voice.
Finding Human Design was the eye-opening, aha, ooohhh, wow experience of learning that I was born perfectly designed, that life happens and along with it comes conditioning and limiting beliefs, and that I am here to be my authentic self.
I stopped looking in the mirror at the reflection I saw and treating her with disdain.
Outwardly, I changed my appearance with clothing that appealed to me and not care if it was unique and different as long as I loved it.
I changed how I worship, my personal relationship with the Divine Spirit taking center stage and working hard to surrender and flow with universal grace.
I learned I am me.
I am not meant to be part of larger groups and conform to their ways. Maybe learn the ways and then put my twist on them for my own self.
- I am here to share wisdom from living and learning, to guide personal journeys to the SELF, to support and encourage others to be their very best, authentic, beautiful selves.
- I am here to let others know that as they become their truest aligned self, they are here also to care about community and humanity.
- I am here to walk a path that is mine alone just as you are here to walk your path alone. Perhaps our paths cross, converge for a while, and then maybe they go their own way later on. Perhaps they loop back again. Perhaps not.
And in the time we are together, I want you to know this –
- You were born perfectly designed.
- You are here to be the authentic you which is contained inside your energy blueprint found in your Human Design.
- Shrug off the limiting belief that it is necessary to conform to be valued.
- You are valuable because you are here.
- Your gifts are needed in this world and you must share them so we can be better for it.
The authenticity of you is the GIFT that you are.
Live your perfection.
If you struggle with the fear of not fitting in, let’s talk. Once you know how you are designed to be, you can release the shadows within your SELF and learn to BE your SELF. I invite you to reach out at aprilgoffbrown.com and schedule your complimentary “Let’s Connect” call.
