Mirror Talk and High Five

When you look into a mirror, what do you see?

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If you are like most women, you are very critical of the image looking back at you. If I focus totally on the image looking back at me, my critical self will tell me my eye lids are droopy, my eyebrows have faded into near non-existence, my lashes are too pale, my nose is too big, the age spots are multiplying every day, the mole under my nose is ugly, my chin melts into my non-existent neck, my hair is too thin, and I can go on and on.

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There was even a time I would look into the mirror and tell the image I saw that I didn’t like her. She wasn’t a nice person. And it would go on.

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Why do we do this to ourselves?

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Today I listened to a talk by Mel Robbins sponsored by Hay House. She says that research shows that we learn self-criticism as early as 4th grade. My granddaughter is in 4th grade. I know from my previous career that children often begin failing in school in 4th grade, that it seems that the brilliance they had until then begins to fade. What is it about that age that transforms us from the open, happy, joyful, magical beings into something else?

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I’d venture to say it begins with the peer group. Kids aren’t necessarily nice to each other which accounts for why there are more and more anti-bullying and character development programs proliferating all the time. They begin to care about what their classmates say. The complaints about what someone said to them become more frequent. Sometimes it’s about how they look or what they’re wearing. Sometimes it’s about giving a wrong answer in class or not being able to throw the ball well enough. Sometimes it’s about the color of one’s skin or the type of hair they have.

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Compound this with the messages they are bombarded with in social media channels, television, infomercials disguised as shows, and we begin to compare ourselves to what we see.

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I have to agree with Mel that life teaches us to criticize ourselves. I remember as a young teenager I loved Seventeen Magazine. There was one model in particular that I wanted to emulate – her eyes were beautifully almond shaped with long lashes, the bow of her upper lip had pretty points, and she had a long, slender neck. I liked the size and shape of my eyes, my blonde hair, but the lips, nose and neck left a lot to be desired. The models inside the magazine all were tall and thin. I was five feet tall (still am) and curvy (still am). It was clear I didn’t possess the beauty that was being promoted.

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The hard part is that when you’re a teenager and boys are cute, you want to be attractive and the media messages of the time indicated I was not. Needless to say, my self-confidence waned and I turned instead to interests and my studies, receiving high praise for my intellect and talents. I was recognized for what I could do but never for who I was.

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In today’s video, Mel Robbins encouraged us to look beyond what we see on the surface in the mirror. She says that the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we have. Not only is it the only one we will have for all of our lives, it is the foundation for the relationships we have with others.

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As I write this, I find myself really wondering about that statement. Most of the relationships I developed over my lifetime were predicated on what I could do, what I knew. I was awarded job opportunities based on my knowledge and skills. I was always complimented on things that I made, whether art, clothing, jewelry, quilts, gifts. It was the talent and skill that got recognized. I could accept those compliments – sorta.

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I began to think about the relationships that recognized me for just being me. I was among the fortunate with a father that loved me totally along with my grandmother. I was the first born and so I gave them the gift of parenthood and grandparenthood. I was blessed to have found the man who became my husband that I have shared my life with for 43 years, who gave me my son. Both of whom think I am perfect as I am. Even with that, I could still find reasons they were wrong. I diminished myself in my eyes, not theirs. I wondered so many times why they would love me as they do.

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I see now that it is the criticism I adopted from my life lessons from childhood, into high school and college years, and even into the workplace. Don’t get me wrong – I loved all of those periods and have had an amazing life of experiences and friendships. The real issue is that deep down, inside the me of the time, was this little girl who had accepted all the criticisms she gave herself, and she kept piling them on.

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One day, for some reason, I looked into the mirror as I walked by it and started my critical self-talk and suddenly stopped. What was I doing, I wondered. Why was I doing that I asked myself. I backtracked to the mirror and changed the narrative. Because I said something negative, I told myself three positive things – after I admonished her for doing this all the time!

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Perhaps it is age coming on that helped me care less about what others thought. You reach a certain age and people’s opinions become less important. If that was so, why was I not changing my opinion? Why was I continuing to do this to myself?

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My journey to loving myself began then. I decided I needed to change the negative talk to positive talk, to change the narrative of my story which I came to learn are conditioned beliefs. They are the baggage we carry with us, sometimes much too heavy to lug around yet we refuse to let it go. My practical nature said that was ridiculous. I won’t do that physically yet I was willing to emotionally.

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There is so much out there to help us through this. The proliferation of Internet resources, books, groups, blogs, podcasts, videos are amazing. Which leads me to the beginning of this blog and Mel Robbins.

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I never read anything by her and this was the first time I heard her. One of things she said intrigued me. The High Five Habit (also the name of her most recent book). She says that it is impossible to give yourself a high five in the mirror and be self-critical at the same time because it has been ingrained in us to see the high-five sign as a symbol of excitement and accomplishment. When someone has done a great job, we offer the high five. When someone was been the winner, completed a race, accomplished a goal, we offer a high five. When our children bring home a good report card, we high five them. We are conditioned into believing that a high five is a thing to be earned.

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Her challenge to those of us listening to this video series was to, every morning after we brushed our teeth, look up into the mirror, and set our intention for the day. Just one thing we would like to do or accomplish for the day. Just one thing. Then give ourselves a high five for the intention.

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This morning was a chilly, gray rainy day. I generally engage in a daily yoga practice but missed the last couple of days. Today wasn’t looking hopeful as I would have preferred to crawl back in my warm bed or get in my sweats and sit by the fire. Instead, I looked into the mirror and set my intention of going onto my yoga mat, even if for 15 minutes. Then, I set a second one to write this blog. (I know. Mel said I only had to do one but I am an overachiever and decided on two. Go figure.)

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I felt loose and better after my practice. Getting centered with my breath, grounding with a standing pose sequence, focusing on balance with tree pose, all serve me well. My posture is better after every session. My breathing is conscious and I feel joy.

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I like this idea of mirror talk and telling yourself the intention for the day. Not just saying it quietly in my mind, but out loud, looking at myself in the mirror. Telling her what we will be doing together. And then giving her high five. I think tonight I will give her a high five when I get ready to crawl back into bed for the night. I shall look in the mirror, give her a smile and a high five for having and living a beautiful day. I have been giving thanks already for specific things of each day. The difference will be that I will not only thank the Divine Spirit for the grace of the day, but I will thank April in the mirror for what she did to make it a day worth living for we are co-creators of my life.