Happy Birthday to Me

My birthday is tomorrow. It’s a big one with a decade change. The first one without my mom (I was born on her birthday – talk about the gift that keeps on giving!!) I’ve been thinking about unconditional love lately, both in giving and receiving.

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When was the first time you can recall feeling unconditional love? I bet it was as a child and you probably can’t pinpoint what it was. You just knew you were loved. 

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What was the most momentous time for feeling unconditional love? For me, it was at the birth of my son, Jason. The first time I saw him with his head of dark straight hair, knowing he had my nose, his brown eyes, and holding him filled me with the most amazing feeling I’d ever felt. When we took him home, I held him in what seems to have been all the time. I cuddled him every chance I got. I held him while he slept during the day and just relished these moments which would be gone all too soon.

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A friend of mine told me once that a blind person could see how much I loved him and a deaf person could hear how much I loved him. Being his mom was the most wonderful title I could ever hold. Or so I thought.

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Many years later, I felt that same unconditional love fill me with the introduction of my Kayla. My son was dating a woman who had this infant daughter. We’d met once and then he asked me if he could babysit Kayla at our house just in case. Her mom was going to help a friend study for a test for work and he agreed to watch the baby. That day, I had come down with a terrible head cold and was sitting on the sofa, curled up, and fully intending to stay away from the little one. However, when she saw me (mind you after one visit), she leaned out of her mom’s arms and toward me with her arms outstretched.  In that instant, looking at this curly head cutie, my heart was filled and has remained so 17 years later.

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The next big one was 9 years ago with the birth of my granddaughter Olivia. Love at first sight. Seriously. Unlike the love I felt for her dad. It was different. Rich. Full. And now, watching her and her baby brother grow offers me new chances to marvel at how they learn, how they develop, and to know I have a hand in shaping them, just like I did with her dad and with Kayla.

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So I know what unconditional love feels like and that I am capable of giving it.  What hit me a couple of years ago was that I didn’t offer myself that same unconditional love. Instead, every time I saw myself in the mirror I would say something unflattering.  My nose was too big. My neck was too short. My left eyelid droops.  If that weren’t enough, if I made a mistake I’d tell myself I was stupid. No one could be harder on me than me. It made it hard to truly feel unconditional love towards me.  I could give it, but did I deserve it back?

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And so began my journey of finding my true self, the April who is deserving of receiving unconditional love, and needed to learn to give it to herself. Every time I would say something negative about myself, I had to stop and say three positives. So my eyelid droops.  I found make up techniques to camouflage it the best I can and focus instead on the color of my eyes which I love. And, I got myself some cool aqua glasses that I love wearing. I changed the focus of my thoughts and worked to accentuate the positive to please myself.

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I began to read some books, listen to some podcasts, meet with wonderful women who are heart-centered. I learned about the messages of crystals and began wearing one (or two or three) everyday to remind me of my intentions for development. I began to pull oracle cards daily and reflecting on those messages and how they applied to me. And slowly, my attitude began to change. I realized that the child inside me was waiting to be loved fully by me. Memories of being fully myself started returning. I remembered those things about me that I loved and found ways to keep them alive and present.

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I began to acknowledge my “failings” – my stubbornness, my need to control and lead, my perfectionism  as examples – and figure out why they were there. What stories was I holding onto that needed reframing? What anger and resentment needed to be released? What could I celebrate about me?

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So tomorrow I celebrate me (actually, I started already!!) and enter this new decade with a heart filled with love for the April I am today. I am grateful for the lessons I have had to learn over my years that have shaped me into the April of 2022. I am especially thankful that I do know unconditional love, for those close to and for myself. 

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Happy Birthday to Me (blows out the candles….)

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