Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You are!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the inner child, that very core of us that just wants to live fully and joyfully and how much we silence her in our adulting.

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Little April was a quiet child, very responsible, the oldest of seven. I found myself often in the background while all these little ones got the attention from visitors. After all, they were such cute little girls! I retreated into my room, spent hours reading and drawing when I wasn’t needed. Getting my own room at 12 was a godsend! I finally had my own retreat space which served me well as a teen.  There was always such commotion going on, noise, spats, playing and it could be overwhelming, especially in a  small rental unit in public housing where there was no privacy. 

I relished the occasions I would spend with my aunt and grandmother when they and my mom were getting along. I could go off and just be alone with them. I felt very special for that attention. It was just unfortunate that it was a six-month on and off again relationship that impacted how much time I could spend with them. 

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This year, I have been spending more time understanding the stories we tell ourselves about our childhood, our interactions, about who we are, and how many of them aren’t just quite right. As I have delved into my personal journey and deep reflections, and as I have studied Human Design, I am seeing my stories in such a different light.

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Yes, our house was noisy with a lot going on. What I learned in Human Design, is that my introverted Projector self who needs alone time was living with two Generator parents, four Generator siblings, a Manifestor sibling and my brother, he was like me. Now, for those who don’t know Human Design, just know that is a whole lot of energy going on all at the same time!  Plus, all except my brother and me have sacral authority which means there was always a whole lotta gut feelings going on and just perhaps, none of them agreed!  My emotional authority needed time to let the cycle play out - just thinking about it makes my head spin in amazement and reframes one of my stories.

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I always felt different, undeserving of attention, in the background, as a supportive character in a play. It was hard to be heard over everyone else and so, I came to see myself as not having much to say. Why bother trying when you couldn’t get a word in anyway? Even my interests differed widely from my siblings. But now, instead of the unworthy part, I see that it was near impossible to stand out in all of the generating going on, and instead, I focused on my studies, doing well in school, achieving skill in playing the organ and sewing, and I did get recognition for those things. I learned instinctively what I needed to do to survive, and thrive. Now, instead of feeling unworthy, I look at my strength and presence of mind to follow my path, early on, in finding things that fill me up. My successes are quiet ones that provide me with a deep satisfaction.

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Recently, I also came to another revelation regarding my relationship with my mother and am reframing the story I’ve told myself for so long. She and I had a difficult relationship, sometimes it would be good and we could enjoy each other, while many other times it was fractured. I could never quite understand why. As a child will, even an adult one, I looked for what was wrong with me for a long time. I realize how much I resented the lack of a solid relationship, and even resented more the one that took precedence over mine with one of my sisters.  While not going into detail, I came to understand that I needed to release my resentment and reframe the story. My sister needed that close relationship with our mother more than I did. I was fortunate to have amazing supportive women in my life at various times who filled the role of adult female and really, it gave me such a breadth of role models to pick pieces from that shaped the whole of me. This revelation has lessened a burden of erroneous thought and given me such freedom to recognize that I am worthy of love.

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Back to the inner child, the one we sometimes are afraid to listen to. She is the child of joy, of wonder, of curiosity, of exploration, of bravery, of our core. She wants to come out and let the adult version be all of those things. She wants to be the joy you are missing. She wants to be the playful curious being that has been forgotten. She just wants to be fully present to embrace life. 

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I think that’s one of the reasons I love to read cards. The cards bring forth messages that result in examining our perspectives, some “food for thought”, and always, always, always for our highest good. I feel it is spirit coming through, in a neutral, nonjudgmental way, loving and compassionate to open you up to internal blocks that prevent you from truly letting your inner child free. I follow all my readings with a written summary and possible reflection questions to help you internalize the messages that come forward. I believe it is when we are able to release some of the heaviness of adulthood, of our lives, that we can truly be the beautiful inner child just waiting to come out. Won’t you allow me to be your guide?

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